New Year.

I can't quite put my finger on why the fuss over one night. One night can change your life. But usually this life change is unplanned and random. Not on the last day of the year.
Everyone's going crazy about New Year's Eve. But why?
"What party are you going to? What are you going to wear? Whose house are you drinking at? Who's your date? What shoes are you wearing? Tie colour? Dress smart? Money forked out?"
So many headaches caused by one night. 7-8 hours of partying, drinking, and only God sees what else goes on.
Through past experience I have learnt my lesson that it's just not worth it.
It's just another night in the year where the date changes and so much effort is put into this night I think sometimes people just over do it.
Don't plan, just do. I learnt that from having my plans crushed after wanting to get away from the headache that is trying to organize something with your friends by going abroad. Avoiding it all. The headache. The regrets and the arguments.
Seeing as that has now blown up in my face by as always my repeated mistake in life that is, trusting too much on others, I am now left with the question that I was oh so much wanting to avoid.. "What am I going to do for New Years Eve?"
My answer?

Chinese food and a Marvel marathon.

Happy holidays everyone X

Dry Spill

So I decided that my life has turned into a rut. Which is not a good sign in summer months. I'm turning my life around and looking at everything like I used to. In a positive way. Resits will be good. Whichever school I wish to go to will be good because I need to be there and be happy with what I'm blessed with. An education.

But also, my quiet time. I don't have much of it since A-levels. I picked up my bible and I just want to keep reading this psalm over and over really.

Psalm 42

As a deer thirsts for streams of water
so I thirst for you, God.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to where you live.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God who is my joy and happiness.
I will praise you with a harp,
God, my God.

Why am I so sad?
Why am I so upset?
I should put my hope in God
and keep praising him,
my Saviour and my God.

I feel like I wrote them in a way cause it's exactly what I'm going through at the moment and these words are just so.. refreshing to me at this moment. Just like Psalm 1 and Jeremiah 29:11 are.
Like who knows, maybe one day I'll be where I want to be in life, of real. And I'll get the grades I deserve and the job I want, even though don't know what job that might be just yet.. But my future is planned out. So.. relax. I'm just gonna work hard and get to where God wants me to get. Yes? Good plan? Si, l'ho penso anch'io.

Life.

I fail at this blogging thing realllyyy, but I try. This summer is so upside down, my life feels like it's taking on a majorrr change, and I have no idea if I like change or not. I mean seriously, we're growing up. Or well.. my friends are, I still feel the same, and I still have no idea where I'm heading in life, even more now with the disappointing shock of my results. I have to resit maths, which sucks, but then I know I can up my grade, it's just when I do, where do I go?

This fork in the road of my life is bugging me, I just want it to pass, emotions are flying everywhere. Who does know what they want to do for the rest of their life? Oh I know, the lawyers, doctors, accountants and architects, but then Malta, what's left?

I'm just praying God leads me to where I need to be, who I need to see and who I need to become. My real comfort is knowing He's there with me after this past year I know I can get through this (:
So blogging world that I so often forget about then fill with more stupid ranting, I have work in.. 5 hours... The enthusiasm is coming out of my bones when I say that phrase.

Also, I want to go to Venice for my 18th, coolest thing ever right? Yeah I know (:

Superstition?

You know, I was never the one to believe in such a thing as superstition, but the end of May does not seem to go well. Ever. Last year, it was Italy. This year 4 hours into Summer and my Grandad dies. I mean, come on, life give me a break. I don't have many places were I can rant, I hate putting my friends down, they're all camping at the moment or enjoying the first weekend of freedom and everyone at home is, well, stressed really. I'm praying, but I just need to put my emotions out there, you know? Write them down, even though not many read my blog, it's not the point of telling the world about anything.

I still have 3 paintings left to do and sketches, my muse to paint is at an all time zero at the moment. I'm too upset to try to cheer myself up with anything.

Yep, now it's begining to feel like Summer.

It's happening!

Wow, one down. I admit it is not as scary as I dreamt A-levels would be. But I did freak out a lot before I actually began the exam. But I'm gonna have to blame it on the 2 energy drinks I took before I got there, I think they got to me, you know due to the jumping, shaking and blood shot eyes that I seemed to have that I noticed before I entered the building. OH, and the most horrid thing happened, so in the exam I was curious as to why every girl in my class seemed to be getting up to go to the bathroom, and having the insane need to urinate myself I said I'd go check out what's so exciting out there. Anyway, I get into the bathrooms and all I see is YELLOW [yes, yellow!] water. And please note on one of the toilets, there was a broken chair hanging there. If that didn't make me vomit in my mouth and push my piss back straight up into my bladder, I went to wash my hands and YELLOW [again] water came out, I was so shocked I nearly puked right there and then. I just ran back to my classroom, and being the person that I am I obviously on my way in knocked over a bag and literally fell back into my seat! I will never EVER go to the bathroom at any other exam AGAIN! [Or use bathrooms at government schools]

On a brighter note, I also have this new found obsession with finding bands on Myspace. It's fun, but time consuming :)
And I still haven't found a summer job! Any ideas guys? I am so lost at this! I really need the money, plus if I am thinking about a gap year to decide what I want to do with my life hence I need a job to keep myself alive!
I hate gap years, I'm so torn up about this. Not going back to school is like a major thing, and it's not that I don't want to. It's just that I really want to study abroad but I don't want to live alone. I'm torn in two here xD

Noow, who's excited about Maths? Oh I'm so looking forward to getting that exam over and done with! I don't care if I get a D [If I get anything lower then a D, I will have to cry and resit cause I will not accept such low grades being listed with my A-level results]
Anyway, if any of you know of any summer jobs open, pleaseee let me know! And if there are any math-sheldon-geniuses again please let me know! XD

Arrivederci x

Films..

Ahhhh *sigh* what beautifullllll weather. I love it, sunny, nice, breezy... Totally inspiring.. What I would give to be somewhere with the Nikon atm.. which btw now has the official name of Harmony.
Alas, I shall soon be off to a mathematics marathon of work anddd till now I shall sketch my time away looking at the sky (: I'm loving this new blogger template though (Y)

Yesterday we watched Remember Me.. Now I am not a person who cries in films.. That's Sara's job, but... I don't know I hate any film... Hmmm spoiler alert, I shall refrain from saying what I was about to say.

I've got... approximately 2 weeks now till my A-levels and I am still not stressed out.. SCORE!
Ah well.. I guess... I'll manage?

But for now I am totally physced out about changing my room. I discussed things with my parents and lime and blue walls + a book case is in order (:

Oh and my next big expenditure.. [other then SS] will be this... http://www.fujifilm.com/products/instant_photo/cameras/instax_mini_55i/
Ahhh *drools*

I'm so happy (:

And look at this babe! http://pro.sony.com/bbsc/ssr/cat-broadcastcameras/cat-xdcam/product-PMWEX1R/ mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I hate money, but I totally need to become a millionaire sometime soon!

The moment I said it..

This was meant to be the saddest yet best week of my life due to the fact that it's the end.. The end of my sixth form life. Yes, I am old! I can't believe it, I mean I used to look up at old students who came to visit us at school and go "My, I can't wait to get to where they are, it must be amazing to have so much freedom and be so mature!"
Now I look back at myself and say "Oh, you naive child"
I don't know how to sum up what has happened to me in these 2 years, they have literally been the biggest roller coaster of my life. More downs then ups and twirls, getting stuck upside down in mid-air till the point were I was nauseous of my own life. But now, what do I do?
I feel like my blogs have all been about this sickening feeling of not knowing what I'm going to do with my future, and my life just feels frustrating due to the fact that I'm missing so much school and staying home.

*sigh*

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 [This is what's keeping me from breaking down]

Lenten talks have come and gone, they were tiring in the least but worth it, I just pray someone's life was changed and that they continue following God, cause I think He is the only reason I am sane at the moment. Him and my Nikon. I miss my Lime camera, I want her back ): I hope I find her soon or I'll die! Just thinking about her makes me sad.
I don't have much to say, I apologize if you are reading this, I guess this blog was one of those "I blogged just to say I blogged" posts.
I feel so devoid of feeling at the moment [apart from the sadness for my camera] let's hope this void will help my inspiration levels and God I do hope I produce a good painting today!

I think I have said enough.
Be blessed kids

Realistic.

All of us go through that period in our life where we are literally surrounded by people and still feel so alone. Sometimes I think it's become a sort of cliché of society, a way our mind subconsciously conforms to. I don't like it. People around me are nice, they love me, they care about me, but still I feel something's missing. God's there, I know He is. It's just... I don't know really... *sigh*
Could it be the worry that's constantly weighing down on my shoulders about what results I'm going to be receiving this upcoming June/July?
Is it knowing my life is going to take a scary but unavoidable U-turn and this is probably going to be the most stressful and exciting year of my life [-2 months].
Is it the deliberation of what I should do with my life? What will make me happy but at the same time give me enough income to live. Let's just say the dream of photography is down the drain here in Malta, and being a lecturer of Philosophy... Well not many openings there now either.
Or is it the stress of knowing something bad is about to happen? I don't know what or when, I can just feel it brewing up inside the drama of the life my life has been the past year.
No. I'm not being negative here, just realistic.

Trees, tears and love

Ah, t'has been a good couple of days if I must say so myself.

Panic attacks about exams, dreaming about my future and actually working to make it happen, actually passing my test (:, Laughing, running around JC, sitting in the middle of a street, being asked if I was protesting about something, sitting on a pavement, eating ice-cream at 10 in the morning on a nice February day, reading, downloading the most epic album ever, smiling, singing to strangers, applying for a job at Soul Survivor, being told that I have a positive vibe (:!, lying down on a bench with a friend, applying for an exchange to Germany, and totally being showered with God's love (:

I think I just might consider this week to have been some sort of musical and just burst into song about it. Seriously.

This has been a great chat guys, please come visit again, I'm looking forward to it, but till then Taylor awaits my eyes and mind.

Be blessed (:

Listen to this song, I just can't stop listening to it myself <3


Tea cups and orange juice

Ok so apparently I haven't blogged a proper blog in ages according to Paula so hereee goes. [Also Achie complained we don't blog anymore so this is for her too.]

The problem with blogging is that I say I have too much to do and not much time to do it in, but then I find myself doing nothing anyway. I'm getting so frustrated at myself it's become crazy, I'm always shouting at myself in my brain but I still don't get much done. For example I have 12 final pieces of art to give in in less then a month and I have not started yet. I have 7 essays to write and I have not started yet. I have 40 books to read as my new years resolution and I have only read 3 till now... And my poor Bible is also getting the hit cause from once a day I'm reading it like once a week now ):

Next time any of you see me, slap me and tell me "WORK!" Also I've been missing soooo many lectures.. But ahhh! And Achie I really wanted to do that marathon how sad, but it's on the list of "Want to do but never gets round to doing it".

On a more positive note, I have D-group lunch in half an hour and I'm quite excited to be with them all again <3
I promise my next blog will be more interesting, I'll try to blog more often now, I just ask for you to pray for me so that this phase I'm going through STOPS! xD

Infinite x's and o's

Hiding

Something I 'wrote' while walking home today, nature is just too inspiring (: It's not that good I admit, but I like it xD..


I wanted to fly up into the sky
and hide behind the clouds
disappear from the world,
but you brought me back down
to be with you and live in peace
now my worries are gone
and your here
beside me.
Finally, I'm free
in peace with the world
now I stare up and see
a cloudless sky
and know
that you have made
everything right.

Procrastination Queen

I feel so bad all the time lately, I'm not studying and today I remained home to miss 8 lectures just so I can work, I have worked, but not as much as I was hoping for.
I blame Narnia.
Good thing about today is I managed to say 'pika' before sneezing. BEST MOMENT EVER!! XD
*ends with a happy dance*

Title?

I want to get rid of all the blogs posted below, like cleanse myself of those memories in a way, I know lame, so like I shall blog to push them down and further and further away (:
Days are good, couple of arguments here and there but nothing major. I discovered the greatness of skype-ing people, I'm on skype with Jamie right now, poor thing I'm kinda being boringly silent while he waits for me to finish
Being productive in the artistic side of me is really a horrible way of trying to productively study!

Just to inspire myself I placed my prospectus to the University of Aberdeen infront of me and my A-levels time table pinned next to my laptop screen, thoughts behind all this was that they'd be an inspiration for me to actually work!
*sigh*

Ah well (:

I shall now get back to jamie, or sleep really.. I'm not dead but I need rest I realised...
I shall leave you with a song that is stuck and will remain stuck in my head for a while and I give credit to Simon for re-introducing this video into my life (:

Side Note: Also, if you want to laugh sometime, search for Adam Hills - leg or Jeff Dunham - Daughter/Dog. So funny, I promise you pretty people (:

Be blessssssedd x

New Year..New Begining?

Well, New Year was 6 days ago, I know I know, but I couldn't not blog about it now, could I? (:
2009 was an epic fail in making me happy, but looking back I'm happy at all the things that happened in my life, I mean I love the person I am right now, I've grown and I like how I can actually feel the change, not tangible (maybe the extra added weight from Christmas... but that's not what I'm talking about xD) but I can actually realise from my actions and thoughts.

A'levels are bang infront of me now, not round the corner anymore, I'm excited, they're an important part in a students life, so it's great to be on this roller coaster of constant work and worried sleepless nights of 'Will I manage to get the grades I want?' or 'Will I manage to get enough points to get into Uni?'. Worst question of all that I'm trying soooo hard to avoid is... 'What the hell am I gonna do with my life after A's?' It's a moot spot at the moment. So I'm just gonna work and study as best I can, pray and see what comes out of it, but I refuse to let these exams take over me (:

Twenty-Ten.. Well I'm awaiting many great things to come out of this year but even if many things fail like last year, I know that I will be able to turn them around into epic moments, I don't know I just have this feeling this year is gonna be one I shall remember forever, hopefully. I'm scared about that cause in life when I say something good is about to happen, something bad always comes with it, so I'm petrified at the radical changes I'm gonna go through this year, but again, excited all the same (:

I want to own a zoo. Seriously! Animals are so cute, today was filled with them for me, I met Ellie [Chaplaincy's adorable dwarf rabbit], my 3 beautiful guinea pigs and while I was playing 102 Dalmations, *sigh* [Side note: Yes I know but I just re-found this game and I got nostalgic, I just had to play] ...Getting back to my point... my mom walks in and hands me a calendar of PUPPIES! I'm in love <3>

Blessings my siblings, may your life be filled with awesome every day (:

Light of Salvation

Wow. I forgot blogs existed. Honestly. How sad.
But I'm back (:
Maths is killing me and I think I killed facebook and twitter with me, poor souls. No one but paula put up with me really, so to paula I am grateful (:
And drea miskina (: To the ends of the earth we will go.. Fill us with poweerrr.. (8)
I like tim hughes a lot atm tbh.
So anyway, lately I've had loads of dreams and hopes running around in my head that to be quite honest are making me dizzy and giving me a headache everyday. Now it's always good to dream, but headaches aren't good I'm guessing. I'm not sure really. I'm just having a hormonal stage of happy-sad-stressed-confused-sad-worried-stressed-confused. And that's how I feel like all the time. I might explode I tell you. But no one is gonna read this I bet, I abandoned my poor blog months ago. Only posting emo stories really.
I've learnt how to smile again (: I have tarzan and jonny and bobbie to make me happy.
Persecution isn't fun and tbh it's like people are finding me a target to laugh at lately, I don't like it. Respect my beliefs and shut your faces is what I constantly want to scream. But that wouldn't be to good of me.
My head hurts but I still have 5 topics to get through. The library started to hurt my ass again. My muscles are stiff, but life is still epic. Cause I have friends (: Don't ever take them for granted guys, they're the most like.. awesome element to get mixed into anyones life (:

So I have a challenge for you kids.. Smile even when you're unhappy this week, and make sure to smile at a person you've never even acknowledged in one of your classes. It's always good to smile, you live longer that way (:

Keep Faith
Zoe x

Scribbling down the last sentence to my story, I re-read it and couldn't find it in me to continue. Two parts. I thought about everything that happened to me after and knew that not even a 100 parts would cover it. I now felt as if I was reading someone else is story and not my own. It's like it all happened to someone else.
The person I've become and the things I've accomplished, should truly be written down, but when the time is right I will eventually get a flashback good enough to write. But till then my story will remain in my head and mine and for today I will just enjoy the sweet taste of being a year older. More mature (just a tad bit) , smarter (just a tad bit more) and older (365 days older to be exact). I don't like the sound of it, but it's the way things are.
Many things have happened to me, but for now, you'll just know me as the newly aged 17 year old with the name of Zoe and maybe one day I will continue telling you about Aprils story, but for now, it's just me.
So you might know me, but you don't know my story.

Part Two Of My Story

It's a weird thing. Life. You either live it or loose it. April was pretty sure she was loosing it. See there are four types of smokers, the people that smoke to rebel, the people that smoke to look cool, the people that smoke because they give in to peer pressure and the people that smoke to die. Now April was the fifth type of smoker, which meant she had never touched a cigarette in her life, due to the fact that black lungs disgusted her and her body rejected nicotine due to the fact that she was extremely allergic. But at that moment she just craved for a cigarette begging the nicotine to clog her heart and end the miserable days she was living in.
A week had passed and nothing had changed. Her friends started summer and flooded Facebook with the evidence of it. And all she had to enjoy was the fact that her room was in the attic and it was green, vintage looking and had a lot of books in it, even though they were all in Italian, it still made her heart swell with joy while seeing all those books.
At that moment she was reading “Angels and Demons” trying to remember every bit of the story since her parents promised to go and watch it in Rome the following day, when she overheard what she thought was the millionth quarrel between her parents, but this time she was intrigued to eves-drop due to the fact that she overheard her name being put into the heated discussion.
She opened the door enough to hear what they were saying.
“If you cannot find a job here, then what are we going to do Justin?! Aprils life isn't here and neither is mine!” Her mom sounded nervous and if she heard right was crying.
“I will find something you know we can't go back to Malta, a lot of people are looking for us there Anne and if they find us, they won't hesitate to hurt us. We owe people a lot of money you know that.”
April stifled a sob. Was that why her parents dragged her away to Italy? Cause of their mistake?
How could she be so stupid??
It all made sense now. That's why when she got out of her exam on Friday, her parents rushed her home to pack everything. Without even being able to say bye to her friends or see them officially for the last time.
Her heart broke at the thought that she was going through all this because of a mistake her parents had made.

Part One of My Story

Hiding her nose in her books was the best solution to every problem that faced her. She knew that each individual book would hit home in a way and give her bits and pieces to the huge puzzle that needed to be her solution. Though how was she to find a solution to moving? She always loved and respected her parents although having the normal day-to-day quarrels with them, but too much was too much.
Moving her away? To another country?! None the less happening a few days before her lovely-full-of-plans-summer began, the summer where being 16 was the best thing in the world, with no worries but which beach she would visit the next day, or which job she was going to have so as to pay for her summer trip abroad. Oh but no, parents are parents and since she was under age unlike her dear sister, she was forced to go wherever her parents went, alone with only hamsters to keep her company.
“It's all this stupid recessions fault” she thought to herself. She had studied and read up about the recession online keeping up to date with the mess that the Lehman brothers company left behind, never really broadening her research to see who actually discovered the company but always wandered if these brothers wanted to change the world by forming it, as all business men would like to think but never really realising that they will actually one day affect the whole world and hence affect HER.
Her family being broke from this stupid world money crisis as she liked to call it, decided to move to a better place to get a better job, and she still failed to see how Italy was any better. She was so ashamed of being the typical cliché girl after being told the news, stamping her feet while screaming and sobbing that she would not go, although these attempts where futile and all she gained from them was a hoarse voice for a couple of weeks.
“All my dreams, my hopes, the future I wanted is here” she kept pleading till the last hour before their departure. Her parents looked at her as if they didn't understand english anymore.
“April, take control, have faith” Is all she could master telling herself now in the car driving off to what her father thought was the best future he could give her but what she saw was a mere blackness of a future with nothing positive insight for her.
She dove into her book once again, having gotten rid of the horrible dizzy feeling you get whilst reading in a traveling vehicle. Harry potter never disappointed her before, never having much of a happy ending himself, she consoled herself in those books, only coming to the end, crying and making it all worse for some odd reason. So now turning on to the next book on this 12 hour drive that lay ahead of them.
Desperate, she clung to her pillow which she just had to take with her and cried into it silently so that her parents wouldn't realise that she was dying inside just as fast as the car was traveling away from her friends... Her home.

Get over it

Ok fine I blog about Alpha and Beta a lot, I don't know why but they're the only topic that stick in my head, regarding the maths section of my brain anyway. I have a puppy on the side guys play with him he's cute -->
Room 101 is getting stranger, today matt jumped on me and shook and...then all I saw was black and heard a lot of ooooohhhh ahhhhhhh noises..
Disturbing to know that they hadn't even sipped their 60c energyy drink yet.. Which is better then M-150 *cough* lanf *cough*
Krissie (: heyyyyyy
Goodluck for physics kids, I'm failing marketing, not even gonna bother man!
My penguin and me need muscat's + marina time!
I can't wait, in a week I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee =D
And I can visit Dr.Juice with everyone else in the world that finishes on that day. Also visit Dr.Juice with Kaila while waiting for Pawla after her last exam.. Wooo!
And also Matt drew this rly fun flower on my leg and my mom generally disapproves of an biro that goes onto my skin but actually saw this and said "Illa how nice it is"
And I was just like O.O "What no pridka?"

Anyways I'm off to be more sleep deprived then I already am since I haven't been able to sleep in the last 72 hours and doubt I will tonight..
Prayers pass round (:
Also I'm not obsessed but can't listen to anything else but this song whilst studying or else I get distracted:



Goodnight kids and goodluck with exams
Blessings
DFTBA

Oh alpha.

Alpha walks into the room thinking it was the end of his days. The mafia weren't known to forgive easily, and he had really screwed up the mission to kill. Killing pythagoras wasn't the easiet thing in the world, just before alpha was about to attack, pythagoras had swiftly moved away having already calculated all of Alpha's next steps. Getting away before Alpha could realise what hit him.
Aristotle turned to face Alpha.
"I am not pleased with your performence my dear one, but I cannot loose you and keep you at the same time, so I shall keep you forever as a symbol that will kill all the people studying you, and I will loose you as a human as I will now wed you with my daughter Beta. As I have wanted to let go of her for a long time, I will keep her as a symbol too, so you will both destruct the mathematicians that will follow."

And that is the story of how Alpha and Beta started killing people in maths.


So sad I know.

Oh well, on with the world now. Blogging awaits me (:
Exams start in 48hours. *Jumps up and down in joy*
Yesterday was so peaceful at night the waves just made me want to paint them and the music just made me want to sing all night. How hippy of me xD
I started using google chrome thanks to simon and loveee it!
Mentioning simon I hope the wedding is pleasant guys and gals who are attending at this very moment, we'r missing you on FB and twitter it's sad
I really can't wait for summer, I'm praying it will be a good one, without any fallouts and fights and hopefully it will just be peaceful and filled with ice-cream and swimming (+work but I'm overlooking that minor defect)
I think I should start studying now, cause I'm veryyyyyyyyyyy behind in work, the F1 just finished so I have no more excuses.. Pity Ferrari didn't even place in the first 3.. Massa came 4th so we'll get some points in this race I guess.. Though I doubt they'll get far this time around.. Ferrari just isn't the same without Shumacher racing with us. Damn retirement!

Blessings on this hot day kids
Have a good one
DFTBA (:

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